04 Jun The Hidden Challenges of Making Life Changes That No One Talks About
We’ve all heard the inspirational mantras: “Change is good,” “Just take the first step,” and “Your new life is waiting outside your comfort zone.” While motivational, these phrases often gloss over the complex, messy reality of change. Behind every bold leap lies a series of silent struggles that are rarely discussed—struggles that can derail progress not because we’re weak or uncommitted, but because the psychology of change is far more nuanced than most realise.
1. Identity Conflict
One of the least talked about challenges of making a change—whether it’s quitting a job, starting a new lifestyle, or leaving a toxic relationship—is the threat it poses to our sense of identity. Research in social psychology shows that our behaviours are deeply tied to how we see ourselves (Oyserman, 2009). For example, someone who has always identified as “the reliable one” may find it deeply uncomfortable to step into a role that feels uncertain or risky, like entrepreneurship.
Changing a behavior often requires reshaping our identity, and that takes time. This mismatch between who we were and who we’re trying to become creates internal friction that can feel disorienting, even paralysing. It’s not just about doing something new—it’s about becoming someone new.
2. Ambiguous Loss
Dr. Pauline Boss coined the term ambiguous loss to describe a type of grief that doesn’t have closure. While often applied to relationships, it also applies to personal change. When we leave behind a role, habit, or lifestyle, we grieve parts of ourselves—routines, dreams, people—that may no longer fit into our new life.
This loss is rarely acknowledged because there’s no funeral or goodbye party for your former self. But it’s real. And when we don’t allow space for this kind of grief, it can manifest as resistance, self-doubt, or sudden urges to abandon the change altogether.
3. The “Success Paradox”
Ironically, making progress can also be one of the most challenging parts of change. As we move closer to our goals, we may begin to experience impostor syndrome or fear of being “found out.” Studies have shown that high achievers, especially women and minorities, frequently wrestle with feelings of fraudulence as they rise (Clance & Imes, 1978).
This “success paradox” makes us question whether we’re truly deserving of our new life. The more progress we make, the more we may fear losing it, which can lead to self-sabotage—like procrastinating, shrinking ourselves, or unconsciously returning to old patterns.
4. Lack of Social Support—or Active Resistance
People often expect support when they decide to change, but the reality can be the opposite. Friends, family, or colleagues may resist your change because it disrupts their idea of who you are or how you fit into their life. This is especially true for changes involving personal growth or boundary-setting.
Psychologist Robert Kegan calls this the “immunity to change”—where our social systems unconsciously work to maintain the status quo (Kegan & Lahey, 2009). People aren’t always trying to sabotage you; they’re just reacting to the discomfort of unpredictability. Still, this lack of support can be isolating and deeply discouraging.
5. Decision Fatigue and Emotional Exhaustion
Change demands countless decisions—what to say, how to act, what to prioritise—and each one drains mental energy. This is known as decision fatigue, a term popularised by psychologist Roy Baumeister. When our mental resources are depleted, we’re more likely to revert to old habits or give up on goals.
Moreover, emotional labor increases as we constantly self-monitor and push against ingrained patterns. This invisible effort can lead to burnout, even when the change itself is positive.
Conclusion
Making change isn’t just about willpower or motivation—it’s about navigating identity shifts, ambiguous loss, social dynamics, and mental exhaustion. Understanding these hidden challenges doesn’t make change easier, but it does make it more honest—and ultimately, more sustainable. So the next time you struggle to change, remember: you’re not failing. You’re just facing the parts of transformation that no one talks about.