07 May “Letting go” isn’t giving up; it’s grabbing hold of reality
Letting go is often misunderstood as a form of surrender, a resignation to failure, or a sign of weakness. However, psychological research and philosophical perspectives suggest that letting go is not about giving up but rather about embracing reality and fostering growth. This shift in mindset allows individuals to move forward in a healthier, more productive way, rather than being stuck in futile struggles.
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The Psychology of Letting Go
Psychologists define letting go as the process of releasing attachments to people, expectations, or outcomes that no longer serve one’s well-being. Studies in cognitive and emotional flexibility indicate that the ability to adapt to change is crucial for mental health. According to research by Bonanno (2004), individuals who demonstrate resilience in the face of adversity are those who can accept reality and adjust their behaviour accordingly. This is not about passivity but about actively engaging with the present rather than being imprisoned by the past.
A study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology(2012) found that individuals who practiced acceptance and detachment from unchangeable circumstances experienced lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Instead of feeling defeated, they gained a sense of empowerment by focusing on what they could control—such as their reactions, decisions, and future directions.
The Neuroscience of Holding On vs. Letting Go
Neuroscientific studies have shown that clinging to negative emotions or unattainable goals activates the brain’s stress response, increasing levels of cortisol—the hormone associated with anxiety and chronic stress. Persistent rumination, or the repetitive focus on distressing thoughts, has been linked to depression and even physical health issues such as weakened immune function (Nolen-Hoeksema et al., 2008).
Conversely, letting go allows the brain to rewire itself toward a more positive and adaptable mindset. Research in neuroplasticity suggests that mindfulness and cognitive reframing help strengthen neural pathways associated with resilience and emotional regulation. This means that actively choosing to release unrealistic expectations and toxic attachments isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a biological and psychological necessity for well-being.
Letting Go as an Act of Strength
Accepting reality doesn’t mean approving of negative circumstances; rather, it means recognising what can and cannot be changed. In Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, he emphasises that individuals who survive and thrive even in the harshest conditions are those who shift their focus from external control to internal agency. Letting go of the need to control uncontrollable aspects of life doesn’t mean surrendering—it means redirecting energy toward meaningful action.
Consider relationships as an example. Staying in a toxic relationship due to fear of loneliness or failure often leads to prolonged suffering. Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships(2017) shows that individuals who leave unhealthy relationships experience initial distress but long-term improvements in self-esteem and life satisfaction. Letting go in this context isn’t about giving up on love—it’s about making space for healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Grabbing Hold of Reality
The key to letting go without feeling like a failure is to reframe it as an active, intentional choice. Some strategies include:
- Mindfulness and Self-Awareness – Practicing mindfulness helps individuals stay present and recognise when they are clinging to unrealistic expectations or painful past experiences.
- Cognitive Reframing – Instead of viewing letting go as losing, see it as gaining clarity, freedom, and new opportunities.
- Focusing on What You Can Control – Directing energy toward actionable steps, such as personal growth or new experiences, prevents feelings of helplessness.
- Seeking Support – Therapy, journaling, or talking to trusted friends can help process emotions and make letting go feel less overwhelming.
Letting go isn’t about admitting defeat; it’s about reclaiming power. By accepting reality and releasing what no longer serves us, we open ourselves to new possibilities, healthier relationships, and greater emotional resilience. In truth, letting go isn’t the end of something—it’s the beginning of something far more real and fulfilling.