13 Sep How to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped
Yesterday I spoke at an RUOKDay event and among other things, was asked a question I get asked a lot:
How do you help someone that doesn’t want to OR is not ready to be helped?
Now, before I go on, if you’ve not already done so, check out the RUOKDay website HERE because it has some fantastic resources for asking that question and following up in helpful and safe ways.
But in response to that question, here’s my short(ish) answer:
To begin with, ensure you have realistic expectations (of yourself and the other person). Change isn’t easy and especially if someone’s not quite ready or lacking in confidence, change can seem daunting and overwhelming. It’s also worth remembering that age old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink!
That being said, while you can’t “force” someone to do anything they don’t really want to do, you can “nudge” them, and support them in making small changes or at the very least, considering making small changes.
So, that’s the first suggestion I’d make; start small.
Or even before that, don’t even think about help or change but most importantly, just let the other person know that you’re there for them, that you’ll sit with them, and that you’ll be ready and available to help whenever they’re ready to do something.
Keep reminding them of this. Without nagging, continually let the person know that you care, that you’ll listen, that you’ll try to understand and that when and where possible, you’ll walk with them to get appropriate help.
In terms of more specific help, well that depends on what, exactly, they need. And this will obviously differ from person to person. In addition, it’s not just the type of help that will vary but also the format or context. By this I mean some people might need to see a professional (like a Clinical Psychologist), others might be able to benefit from a good self help book or even a podcast, and many, at least as a starting point, could gain a lot from many of the wonderful free resources that exist online (like those on the RUOKDay website).
To continue the equine metaphor from earlier, it’s very much a “horses for courses” type scenario : )
I could go on but again, there are some great resources on line and the most important thing I think we can all do, for family and friends and colleagues, is just to care, and let others know we care; to listen without judgement and to support with patience and compassion.