What I’ve found helps me avoid resentment

15 Jul What I’ve found helps me avoid resentment

I’ve made it clear many times in my writing and speaking that I don’t think anyone will or should expect to be happy all the time. It is, quite simply, an unrealistic and even unhealthy goal.

That’s because the so-called “negative” or unpleasant emotions are normal and appropriate and usually serve some purpose, sending us some message to which we should pay attention.

The utility of some of these is obvious, like the way fear and anxiety protect us from taking unnecessary risks of from approaching danger. But others, like resentment, can seem to have no use at all apart from causing us distress. But resentment can help us recognise that other people are harming you and as such, prompt us to take certain actions and keep ourselves safe.

Even resentment, therefore, should be accepted and allowed, along with all emotions but that doesn’t mean we can’t take steps to minimise or manage it. And here are a few things I’ve personally found help me: 

1. to start with, take responsibility for yourself and for your reactions. This should be the first, or one of the first steps in any attempts at emotional regulation
2. where possible, try not to take things too personally. If possible, try to view the situation with a sense of humour, or even light heartedness, maybe even reminding yourself that the other person isn’t harming you intentionally
3. following on from the previous point, adopt a sense of curiosity, and empathy, doing what you can to try to understand why they’re doing what they’re doing and trying to see things from their perspective
4. but this doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Be mindful of your thoughts and take action to challenge or modify any unhelpful thoughts
5. finally, look for the lessons within the situation. What, if anything, can you learn and/or change that might turn this distress into growth and development?

And there you have it. I hope, as always, that you find something useful in this and that next time you feel resentful, you can navigate the emotional turmoil a little better.