25 Jul Are you so strict with yourself that it’s become a burden? Here’s how you can gain more freedom and flexibility
Personal disclosure time – I’m a huge fan of discipline. One of the things that’s really helped me manage my mental health, and boost my physical health and happiness, is discipline.
I have habits and rules for, well, pretty much everything.
And I’m a huge fan of habits. I’ve written a whole series (10 in total!) of audiobooks around the theme of habits. Starting with “Habits for Happiness”, then “Habits for Happiness and Work” and “Habits for Managing Depression” and more, routine and rules are a big part of my life.
And again, they’ve helped me enjoy better psychological wellbeing and more positive emotions like happiness.
At the same time, however, I can get a bit obsessive about it all. And sometimes my obsessiveness detracts from my happiness by making me too focused on getting stuff done and not really enjoying what I’m doing or appreciating why I’m doing it. So, I’ve been aware for a while now, that I could benefit from relaxing my rules a bit. Which is why I was pretty excited when I stumbled upon this article from Psyche magazine by Danielle Doucette …
Need to know
Every one of us has certain rules about how we behave in particular situations, relate to other people, or present ourselves in the world. But rule-following, like anything, can be taken too far. As a clinical psychologist, I often speak with people who have a strong preference for structure and order above all things, and I’ve observed what it’s like to be guided by rules in strict, often burdensome ways. Sometimes, the individuals I work with are not aware of the extent to which these rules impact their life – just as fish do not have a keen awareness that they are swimming in water. It’s just what they know. That is what it can be like for someone who rigidly adheres to certain rules.
If you sense that your own behaviour may be quite rule-governed, chances are you’ve noticed at least some ways that this can create difficulties for you. This Guide will help you reflect on those challenges further, and will also show how you can start safely relaxing your rules. You won’t have to make huge changes; often even a simple, small change can be helpful.
Let’s start by imagining a spectrum, representing the ways you might relate to the rules you have for yourself. On one end, you consider a rule flexibly. This does not mean you completely abandon and break your rule (though, it could), but it might mean that you make your rule less absolute, or decide that you don’t have to follow it all the time. On the other end of the spectrum, you follow the rule rigidly. Life at the rigid end of this spectrum can become disrupted and problematic, even when the rules in question seem sensible.
For example, someone may have a rule such as I must always work hard. They might be fully aware that this is a rule that they abide by, or they could just implicitly follow the rule and consider it unacceptable to not work hard. On its face, it might appear to be a helpful rule that makes a lot of sense. Consistently working hard might help you pass an exam, finish graduate school, or get a promotion. However, what if the rule I must always work hard is followed strictly and regardless of context, so that it means working while on vacation, or while sick, or simply working tirelessly throughout the day with no breaks?
Take another seemingly fine rule: Always be polite. Politeness can help decrease conflict or signal friendly intentions. But what if Always be polite translates to never wanting to reveal disagreement with a close friend, family member or partner? Or what if it leads you to avoid asking for help (even a friendly favour) because doing so might seem ‘impolite’?
Here are a few other examples of rules that may be helpful in some ways but, if followed too rigidly, could have a negative impact:
- I must finish my to-do list every day.
- I cannot let others see me upset.
- I can’t share personal information with others until I fully understand what’s appropriate.
- If I want something done right, I have to do it myself.
The costs of following rules too strictly
If overly rigid, rule-based tendencies are having a negative impact on your life, you might start to observe your anxiety or distress increasing, especially in situations where it is impossible to follow a rule. You may notice that it feels more challenging for you to adapt to changes. You might also feel an increase in bitterness, pessimism or other negative mood states…
… keep reading the full & original article HERE