04 Aug Is happiness sometimes saying…no?
Happiness is without a doubt at least partly dependent on the quality of our relationships; the quality of our relationships, in turn, is at least partly due to the effectiveness of our communication; effective communication could be called assertiveness; and there are indubitably times when being assertive requires saying “no”.
Happiness, therefore, may well require saying “no” from time to time so let me know what you think if this interesting article…
from Zen Habits
Do you have difficulty saying _ã–no_ã? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?
Well, you_ã_re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying _ã–no_ã, because I didn_ã_t want to hurt the other person_ã_s feelings.
For example, whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had important work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to 2-3 hours or even beyond. At the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say _ã–no_ã also extended to my clients, business associates and even sales people.
After a while, I realized all these times of not saying _ã–no_ã (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say _ã–no_ã.
Why We Find It Hard To Say _ã–No_ã
To learn to say _ã–No_ã, we have to first understand what_ã_s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:
- You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don_ã_t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.
- Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying _ã–No_ã, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in Asia culture, where face-saving is important. Face-saving means not making others look bad (a.k.a losing face).
- Wanting to be agreeable. You don_ã_t want to alienate yourself from the group because you_ã_re not in agreement. So you confirm to others_ã_ requests.
- Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn_ã_t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.
- Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients_ã_ wife was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn_ã_t want to shift. However, she didn_ã_t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future.
- Not burning bridges. Some people take _ã–no_ã as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.
If you nodded to any of the reasons, I_ã_m with you. They applied to me at one point or another. However, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realized these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. Saying _ã–No_ã doesn_ã_t mean you are being rude; neither does it mean you are being disagreeable. Saying _ã–No_ã doesn_ã_t mean there will be conflict nor that you_ã_ll lose opportunities in the future. And saying no most definitely doesn_ã_t mean you_ã_re burning bridges. These are all false beliefs in our mind.
At the end of the day, it_ã_s about how you say _ã–no_ã, rather than the fact you_ã_re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Say no is your prerogative.
7 Simple Ways To Say _ã–No_ã
Read the full article (and let us know if you think this is relevant to your happiness) HERE